Tag Archives: sadness

What if I can’t be the light

Lately I’ve not been who I want to be.

This year has been challenging in so many ways: a tough relationship with I man that I cared for deeply and had much in common with, but we were up against his drinking problem, a general lack of long-term chemistry for us both, and my inability to trust; my insomnia; healthy weight loss followed by gaining it all back; yet again losing myself in a relationship and thus losing sight of what’s important to me; an all around personal lack of self trust and self love; a diagnosis of anxiety and being medicated on Zoloft for it, which may or may not be related to a scary amount of hair loss and thinning; my closest friends moving thousands of miles away; the struggle to balance being kind and having grace with speaking up for myself and being myself, and the fear that perhaps I’m not as kind as I thought; weekly physical therapy appointments for far too long costing more than I can easily afford to try and fix the knots in my back, ulnar nerve entrapment in my elbow, and a labral tear in my shoulder; growing pains and growing frustration at work; the realization that my parents are growing old and deteriorating in health; fear of being a woman in a city and country where sexual harassment is rampant and where our own human rights as women feel jeopardized; and the feeling that I am letting myself down, over and over and over again.

I so desperately want to be kind, to trust myself, to believe that I am enough, to be able to love and trust a man, to not be terrified of the possibility of heartbreak, to truly believe that I will be okay, to be able to deal with my anxiety, to be able to sleep at night, to do what I say I’m going to do, to not be living paycheck to paycheck so that I can pay my bills on time and pay off my credit card debt, to not let others down, to be a loving and caring friend, to grow, to eat healthy and exercise, to be smart, to challenge myself and not fear failure, to write, to finish my novel, to travel, to find my soul, to feel at peace with myself, to enjoy time alone with myself without feeling lonely, to run fast after my dreams, to try spoken word on a stage in public, to excel at my job, to be a good example for others, to help those in need, to be happy, to do the things that I love doing, and to be the light.

My life is a complete mess right now and with all I feel I’m up against, I don’t know where to start or how to do it. It seems exhausting, and what if I don’t succeed?

What if I can’t be the light?

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Symphony

In between and among
hard things and hard places,
when its dark under the covers
and cold,
you strive so hard,
ivy leaves growing up and down
against scratchy brick walls,
to feel the light and see the light
and still be the light.
Red lipstick falling down my face.
Eyes turned blue.
Freckles burned on my skin
and plumb blush stained.
A symphony of sadness.

City walls being torn down
are nothing to these walls.
Concrete so thick
an air raid wouldn’t even
cause all souls
to hide in basements.
There’s no light there.
The wailing warning
simply an instrument
in the back of the orchestra.

Still sounds
rumbling sounds
quiet sounds
sounds that rattle your bed frame
and rattle you
right out of bed.
All part of this greater symphony.

The conductor.
Now that’s a story.
Who may he be…
Some pain loving demon
charged with drawing blood?
A God who can bear to see us
hurt so greatly?
A friendly prankster
pawning us out in this game?

A cacophonous symphony.
Wailing and churning
and rattling and yearning
for the light.
We play our instruments
for this light,
to bring the sun
to shine.

IMG_3253

Took this a few years back while walking the streets of New Orleans and stumbling among interesting folk and beautiful sights.

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